Rat in the Cradle
by ThanksIllPass
Summary: Prompt: Maybe Peter having a lab rat, and Wade getting fond of him? I was thinking something about Peter adopting him from school. And then he has to leave for idk reasons, and Wade has to take care of it and then pet-owner love happens.


Wade stared at the rat with a puzzled expression on his face. Peter had brought it home from his lab because he wasn't getting along with others. That's what Peter said, but Wade suspected that what he meant was that the rat was simply _bullied_. It was the ugliest rat Wade had ever seen, and he had been living in New York for quite some time now. It looked like it carried at least sixty diseases and lived only thanks to the protection of its father, Satan.

"You can't leave me with it," Wade stated calmly. He was certain Peter would understand and agree. The rat should be in some government facility, tested for being biological weapon of mass-destruction.

"Stop being an asshole, Wade," Peter muttered, zipping his suitcase. He walked over to Wade and patted him on the shoulder. "Savage is a good, clean, intelligent rat. He'll take care of you. Won't you, little fella?" Peter put his fingers between the bars of the cage and the thing licked it.

"Gross. Never put that finger in me again."

Peter snorted and kissed Wade on the lips. "I'll be back in three days. Be good. Don't forget to feed him and change his water. You hear me, Savage?"

"Oh, ha, ha, very funny. I'll be fine. Just go. I don't want you to watch me kill it."

Peter kissed Wade again, and Wade melted against his lips. The bliss was over with a sharp sting in his left butt cheek, where Peter had slapped him. Wade suppressed a whimper because he didn't think this was going where he hoped it would anyway. Stupid fucking field trips.

"You don't want to be here if I come back and see something has happened to my pet, Wade," Peter said sweetly. "Just saying. Bye. Bye, Savage!"

"Bye, Savage," Wade mocked after the door had closed behind Peter. He looked at the rat again. It was spitting and doing a weird jittery thing with its weird little paws to its weird ugly face. Wade shuddered in disgust. This were going to be long three days…

"You're not gonna bite my finger off, are you?" Wade asked suspiciously before opening the door. "Not that it wouldn't grow back, but who knows what kind of mutation your bite could give me. Why am I even talking to you? Oh well, at least you don't snark back like my voices. I guess it's better than nothing."

Wade sighed and opened the door to feed the rat. As soon as his hand was inside, the rat started to sniff it and lick it. Wade dropped the food into the bowl and took his hand back. He rushed into the bathroom to wash it and didn't bother closing the door to the cage. When he came back, it was empty.

"Oh, you've _got_ to be kidding me!"

Turned out the rat came back on its own, it just took a stroll around the apartment. It climbed onto the couch and then onto the desk back to the cage to drink, eat and wash itself. Wade was all for liberation of mutants so he decided to keep the cage open permanently. It had nothing to do with the fact he could leave the food and change the water while it was conveniently empty. That would be silly.

Wade was watching night-time television and eating Cheetos. He heard the rat scratch and generally make noise to bring Wade's attention to it. He glanced at it and it was staring at him intently, its funky nose moving fast.

"Oh, I see how it is," Wade cooed. "You want some of my Cheetos, don't you, you genetic waste. Well, tough luck, you ain't getting any."

Pleased with himself and his strict rat-rearing methods, he stuffed his face with the chips and looked back at the screen. He didn't even notice the rat get out of the cage and hop onto the couch to eat off Wade's crusts of it. He only noticed when the rat climbed his thigh and started licking the Cheeto-dust off his sweatpants. Wade froze but didn't shake the rat off. In the glow from the TV it looked kinda… terrifying, who was he kidding. But also kinda sad and lonely…

"You can't sleep either, huh?" he asked while offering the rat one Cheeto. He didn't know if it would be bad for the creature's stomach or not, but it seemed to be happy with it, so who was he to deny it a one small pleasure. "I miss him too, you little nature's mistake. I miss him too."

Wade finally fell asleep in front of the snowing TV, with his hand in the empty bag of Cheetos, and the rat curled up on his knee.

Wade discovered rats' yawning was absolutely the most adorable thing ever. It was actually disgusting and it looked like a monster was trying to devour the world, or maybe souls, but it still made Wade's heart clench. Which proved Wade's theory of the rat's mystical ties to dangerous dark powers.

Wade also discovered that rats' tails were absolutely the most fun thing to play with. It was unpleasant to touch and looked gross and wormy but it was _hilarious,_ and Wade cackled every time the tail flapped stiffly after Wade pulled just to let it drop. Disturbingly entertaining even for someone so bored.

Wade decided he had discovered enough when he let the rat climb his arm up to his shoulder and nip at his ear. Wade had _very_ sensitive ears, okay?

"Do you ever wonder what's the meaning of life? Like, why are we here?"

The rat just looked at Wade, tilting its head, and then promptly proceeded to try and steal some of Wade's pizza. Wade lifted it out of the rat's reach and clicked his tongue.

"I'm not sure I'm supposed to give you pepperoni pizza, man. I mean, you're probably some witch's immortal familiar anyway, but still. Not sure it's such a good idea. Apples are a good idea. Have an apple. No? A carrot? Some bread? My soul? What, my soul not good enough for you? Picky little bastard, aren't you. At least you have standards. Wait, you're not after _Peter's_ soul, right?"

Wade watched the rat avert his creepy red eyes, go back into the cage, curl into a ball, and sleep.

"This conversation isn't over yet."

Wade had built a very elaborate maze for the furball and he was rather proud of it. Not as much as he was of the rat for completing it so fast. He always knew he would raise a genius. He wanted to high-five Peter, but he remembered that he wasn't going to be back home before morning. He sighed and petted the rat, giving it a treat.

He placed it on his head and started taking care of the mess he made with the maze. He stopped abruptly when he was passing the mirror and eyed their reflection carefully.

"We're kinda alike, aren't we, buddy?"

The rat squeaked and pooped on Wade's head.

They spent the afternoon cleaning the apartment and eating lettuce. It tasted like shit, but he had do it out of solidarity. Freaks had to stick together.

When Peter came back, Wade was cleaning the cage while the rat was sleeping on the pillow placed on the couch. Peter smiled and leaned against the wall, watching Wade for a while.

"Hey there, Savage, care to tell me how did you take over my boyfriend's body?"

Wade's head snapped up and a grin split his face. "You're back! And hilarious as ever!"

Peter chuckled and walked over to Wade to hug him. "Missed you. Did you two have fun while I was gone?"

"I'm tempted to say we had a blast but the truth is we both missed you like hell."

"Aw, Wade, that's so sweet. Don't worry, I'm gonna make it up to you. Like, _right now_."

"Sorry, Pete, I can't have sex with you right now, I have to finish cleaning the cage. Also, could you tell me where you keep clippers? His claws are too long. And we need to think about a bigger place for him, he's a free spirit. Oh, and I gave him a new name. He goes by Mr. Tiddybomboms now."


End file.
